Last night’s memorial service. . .

August 16, 2003 at 12:58 pm | Posted in Doris, Loss | Leave a comment

was beautiful. We got there late and the funeral home was packed, it was standing room only inside and there were people even outside. They had made a booklet about Doris, with her picture on the cover and I just burst into tears when I saw it, thinking of how beautiful she was. Her face was bright and cheerful, she was healthy and strong, just glowing. The cancer took a lot out of her, but you know what? Even at the end, when she didn’t have much hair besides her fuzz (I used to spike it up for her, it was so cute), when she was under 100 pounds and fragile as china, she was beautiful. She will always be beautiful to me.

I wish we had gotten to be in the main room, but after the service, they let us file in to see the pictures and flowers and of course, to hug her widower and sons. Daniel acted shy but he gave his Uncle Don a big hug. We had debated all week on whether to take him or not, and decided that he needed to make his own closure, to say goodbye. I don’t know how much of everything he understands but he does tell me that he loves Aunt Doris and that she’s in Heaven, in the clouds.

My heart is aching and probably will ache for a long time. How do we go on without her? Yesterday I was in the city (medical appointment) and went to a new salad restaurant to have lunch and while I was sitting there, thought, “Oh Doris would love this place, I have to call her when I get home” and of course, I cried, because I remembered I couldn’t call her.

They had some beautiful music at the service; some of it was unfamiliar, but then, as we were going up to see her husband, they played this song (I Can Only Imagine) and it was all I could do to keep walking…OH GOD, I know she’s with You, I know she’s out of pain, but it HURTS SO MUCH to not have her here…the minister said we would all get through this with Your love, Lord, so please help us all.

I have a memorial page for Doris at my website, I haven’t been able to go there this week. It’s incredible that before the service, before her death, I had put up the midi for this song. I have to hold onto it, I think. It may be the best way to survive this heartache.

I don’t know if anyone has even come to read this and it doesn’t matter, I suppose. It was good just to sit and cry by myself. Actually, not by myself, if you KWIM.

It’s good to have a place to come and just get rid of the pain.


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