5 Minute Friday: AFRAID

February 1, 2013 at 10:53 am | Posted in 5 Minute Friday | Leave a comment

5-minute-friday-1

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}

The word for this week is AFRAID.

GO

I am afraid of the future; even though I know that God is holding me and my family in His hands, there are moments that I can’t catch my breath.  My husband of 25 years has terminal cancer.  He was first diagnosed almost six years ago, was cancer free for four years and the cancer returned two years ago.  He is undergoing chemo and some days it whoops him so badly that all he can do is sleep.  He had to take an early retirement two years ago and he’s so upset with himself and that scares me, too.  He didn’t cause this but he is upset because he doesn’t think he’s providing for us.  I’m afraid of losing him; I’m afraid of what our son will go through when that happens.  Daniel is not quite 14 and he needs his father.  I’ve lived with my husband for over half my life.  I won’t know how to live without him when the time comes; will I be angry with him for dying?  Probably.  He is afraid that I will be mad at God and I sure hope and pray that I won’t be.  Sometimes I’m angry with God and I scream and cry and shake my fist at him but I know that behind all of that anger is fear.  I am afraid.  My husband, my rock, my life and my love and my best friend is dying.  I hate cancer.  I’m afraid of the end; my best girlfriend died a few years ago; she had breast cancer, so I know how the beast works against the human body and spirit.  Please, God, help keep me from being so afraid.  I have to stay strong for my son.  And right now that I have him, I have to be strong for my husband.  Yes he knows that sometimes I am really really afraid; I had a huge meltdown on Monday night and just cried my heart out because of all of the stress that I am having to deal with and I was afraid that he’d feel guilty because of my tears and he did, which upset me even more.  It’s like an endless cycle of fear, crying, anger, acceptance, hope, and back to fear and crying.  Thankfully I was told by our Parish Priest that even when I am afraid and don’t know what words to pray, God hears what’s in my heart and He is near.  It doesn’t always feel that way, though.  It’s just not fair to see such an incredible human being in pain; it’s not fair that a 13 year old boy may not have his father there at his high school graduation, or to see him go off to college or get married and have children.  I’m afraid of losing this man that I adore.  I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to do this.  I have to lean on God more than I have been….I think that’s the lesson for me this week on the world AFRAID.

END

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